The Beast

I wrote this back in 2008, after 6 weeks of almost no sleep. The vision was deeply profound, and I can still feel that inside when I remember it. But God has been so good! I can’t wait to share a more recent experience in the next couple of weeks. Welcome to the mystical side of me.

The Beast

It was a couple of days after my last night on the paper route.  I was still exhausted beyond belief, and I was angry.  There was no particular reason, just that that kind of fatigue does scary things to my state of mind, which, you may recall, was the reason I had to quit that job.  I was getting out of the shower that night and suddenly I saw inside myself.  If I close my eyes I can still see it…

There was a pit, deep and dark and boiling.  Smoke and steam filled the air.  A beast rose up out of the pit; it was enormous and strong, with bulging muscles that reminded me of a bull.  It was dark, reddish black like old blood, with horns and burning red eyes.  I could smell the beast’s heat, feel its lust, and taste the blood it craved.  I heard its heartbeat and its breath, felt my own heart and lungs matching it beat for beat, breath for breath.  The beast was restrained by invisible chains that I felt rather than saw.  It stood there, not fighting the chains, but waiting for me to set it free; free to destroy, to smash, to scream and cry and curse at God.  I wasn’t afraid – I wanted to set it free.  I felt its rage and lust and desire, its hate and anger.  The heat and the blood filled my senses and I wanted to give myself to the beast, let it take me completely.  For I knew this beast – this beast is who I am inside.  As I stood there breathing the beast in, God began to speak to me.  I heard Him and I saw Him through the misty red veil of the vision of my beast within.  God asked me questions, He made me angry.  He pushed me, exerting his authority. He kept me from leaving and I was so angry I wanted to punch Him, to hurt Him; but I couldn’t.  He looked into my eyes, and in His own sad eyes I could see recognition of what He was seeing in me.  He did not turn away; He held me in His gaze and He spoke. “This is not who you are; Becky, this is not you.”  And then I saw my beast slowly sink back into the pit, until it was out of sight.  But still I heard it muttering, whispering and coaxing and tempting from some dark corner of my heart, and I recognized its voice as one I have heard my whole life.  I stood there hearing the voice, still filled with this vision of darkness, with the taste of violence and lust in my mouth; but the vision became veiled and my heart and my lungs began to beat in a different rhythm… a rhythm of life rather than death, with a glimmer of light rather than darkness.

The vision ended; I was once again standing in the bathroom.  Then I was afraid.  Afraid of how much I wanted the beast to be in control, afraid of the violence and lust that I knew was in my heart, afraid of how unafraid I had been.

But as I thought about it I realized that I had not set the beast free.  God had intervened.  At the moment when the beast completely filled my vision, God spoke to me and called me back to Himself.  He reminded me of who He is and who I am.  I am His child, I am not a slave to my sin nature.  I do not belong to Satan, or even to myself, I belong to God.  And He will keep me.

©Rebecca A Givens, 09/2008

This moment

This moment
A tinge of rose on the horizon of dark tree tops,
The sky pale in the east, dark in the west,
Bright stars overhead, a sliver of silver moon.
Birds begin to sing with the joy of a new day.
The trees are still –
waiting,
turning from black to green with each passing second,
reaching for the sky,
growing lighter with each moment.
The rosy fire in the east grows.
Chill air creeps in,
my hands warm around my favorite cup of tea.

I breath it all in
Now the page in The Book is visible;
The Holy Words,
Inspired by my Sovereign Lord,
Written by my heroes;
Words of comfort and inspiration,
of warning and admonition.

Life
Life all around me.
Life in my hands.
Life in my heart.

I breath in the life,
holding it here inside me,
I breath out my thanks to God,
my Lord and Savior,
And walk out into the world.

©Rebecca A Givens, 04/17

Suffering-Rejoicing-Glory in God’s Plan

The thoughts below are from my journal. As they ran through my head, I was filled with a profound joy… Perhaps they are worth sharing.

I was thinking yesterday about my dad’s death. Grief is a strange thing. Daddy’s death does not affect my everyday life. I saw him only a few times each year, and because of his hearing, phone conversations were limited. But somehow his death left a hole; he’s not there where he’s always been. I sat the day of his funeral with my “thank God” list, and filled an entire two column page with things I thank God for, all concerning my dad. Memories of my childhood are comforting, and the visits with extended family at the funeral were wonderful. In the weeks that followed, my mind felt clouded, as if it had to shift somehow to compensate for this new hole in the world; but it was a good clean proper grief full of good memories.

Contrast all this with the grief of divorce these last few years. That clouded mind of grief lasted the better part of a year, and returned with regularity for another year. It would have been easier if he had died, at least then I could have remembered the good times with happiness and consolation. But with divorce, remembering the good times feels like betraying myself to the enemy. It’s like when the abuser of my childhood told a joke and I laughed… I cannot describe the emotions connected with that betrayal of myself; it hurt as much as his betrayal of me. Betrayal is a far harder grief than death.

As I contemplated these things in prayer, I had an amazing revelation.

Jesus, fully man, was betrayed by his closest friends. Then He was forsaken by His Father on the cross.

He was a man. Yes, fully God, but also fully Man, with all the emotions of a man.

He was betrayed by those He came to save, by those He loved. He was tortured. He was abandoned by His Father.

But Jesus knew there was a Purpose and a Plan that was greater than His betrayal and abandonment, and knowing that, He went through it willingly.

I also know there is a Purpose and a Plan, and it is bigger than what I see and feel right now. God the Father will accomplish His greater purpose in me, and it will ultimately be for His Glory and my good. Knowing and trusting that is what will get me through whatever I go through in this life, including betrayal and suffering.

Jesus trusted God His Father, submitted to His Plan, and so willingly suffered betrayal, torture, abandonment, and death. I am called to follow Him in His sufferings. I am called to trust Him, to trust His Plan, whatever it leads me through. Jesus knew the end goal was worth it – an eternity in Heaven with His bride, the church, and I know I am part of that. When I hang on to His Truth, I participate in His suffering, and I rejoice in His Glory.

Romans 5:1-5  Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

II Corinthians 4:16-18  Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

1 Peter 4:12-13  Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.

©Rebecca A Givens, February 12, 2017

Surviving Grad School: or anything else

Two and one half years ago I found myself needing a career.  My husband of 26 years had left and I had to support myself. I immediately landed a third part-time job at 2nd & Charles, a used book store, which put me on the path to library school.

I am now in my last semester of a Master’s in Library Studies degree.  Before returning to school I had spent the previous 26 years as a housewife, raising and homeschooling my four children, working part time doing background checks, and teaching martial arts (stories for another day).

Since starting school 1 ½ years ago I have finished that divorce, suffered from fatigue related to an illness, worked 2 or 3 part time jobs at a time to support myself and my youngest, tried to help my four children in college, cared for one of those kids who has chronic daily migraines, taken 2-3 classes at a time, and maintained a 4.0 GPA. My father passed away as the current semester started 2 weeks ago. Writing it out in a list like that is overwhelming… but right now I need to remind myself of what I’ve already been through and survived, and even thrived.

I started this semester behind due to the death of my dad. When I got home from Texas I felt so overwhelmed with work and school and the never ending job hunt, in addition to grieving Daddy’s loss and worrying about my mom. It has been a very long two weeks. Yesterday I took some time to ponder all of these things. In an effort to keep moving and get through the last leg, I thought about this journey I’m on and how I have managed up to this point. It occurs to me that my list might be of use to someone else. These are the things that keep me moving and sane.

  1. Accept the fact that you do not have to have a 4.0 GPA.
    1. Read the abstract, intro, and conclusion. Skim everything else for relevant or interesting information.
    2. There is just not time to edit every paper 3 times. Sometimes not even 1 time. Turn it in and move on to the next thing.
  2. Work smarter. I recommend the book, Do More Better by Tim Challies.
    1. Todoist is a great tool. Pick some kind of planning system and stick with it.
    2. Evernote is also a great tool.
  3. Do the next thing.
    1. Plan out the big projects in advance. Look at the big picture, divide it into weekly and daily goals and tasks, and then keep working on the next thing.
    2. Work ahead whenever possible.
    3. Above all, do not wait until the last minute to start something!
  4. Be realistic in my expectations of myself. If you cannot do anything requiring thought after 9:00pm (or before 9:00am), don’t even consider those times for doing homework.
  5. Budget your money, your time, and your energy. I had to learn to budget my energy last semester when I had an overloaded schedule and fatigue. It can be done.
  6. There is not enough time or energy to do everything. My house will not be neat, my meals will not take a lot of time, I will not be able to do everything I want to do. But this season of life will end, keep your eye on the goal.
  7. Remember that it does take time to live life. Kids, parents, laundry, meals, groceries – all that life stuff takes time and has to fit in somewhere.
  8. I must also plan down time for myself. I have a list of things I enjoy that take very little time, planning, or money. Every day I try to work in something from that list. An audio book while I drive, reading something for fun while I eat, crocheting during class, dinner with a friend, a walk or a hike, and occasionally even the ultimate pointless pleasure: watching TV for an hour and playing with my Legos. Write your own list.
  9. Plan time to exercise. I have been very active in martial arts the last 8 or 9 years, and suddenly there was no time for it. But I have learned that if I will plan time to exercise I am more productive afterwards. I do a short stretching routine several times each day, I walk during my lunch break, and plan longer walks or workouts on the shorter work days or days with no class. This is the first thing I tend to cut out when time is short, but I always regret it when I do.
  10. Communicate with professors when conflicts or the unexpected emergencies happen. My professors have all been very understanding when I had even normal trips or life that interfered with class or schoolwork; when Daddy died they were all very considerate about assignments and missed classes. But if they don’t know why you are not in class or why your assignment was late they can’t give you extra time or extra help.
  11. Work on relationships. You need people, even when you are so busy you are overwhelmed.
    1. Family
    2. Friends
    3. Co-workers
    4. Classmates
    5. Teachers and Mentors
  12. Plan time to think and ponder life. I am an introvert, and I need time to sit with my journal and my Bible and a cup of coffee every morning.
  13. Lastly and most importantly, overarching all the things listed above, is my faith in God. I know that I am fulfilling His Purpose for me, and I trust Him to lead me each step. He will give me the strength and the resources to do what He has called me to do. I trust Him no matter what comes in the future, whether good or bad; I have seen Him work for my good even in the midst of terrible circumstances. I would never have chosen this life for myself, but I have never been happier than I am right now. His Plan for me is far better than anything I imagined.
    1. Stay in the Word.
    2. Stay in the church.