I wrote this back in 2008, after 6 weeks of almost no sleep. The vision was deeply profound, and I can still feel that inside when I remember it. But God has been so good! I can’t wait to share a more recent experience in the next couple of weeks. Welcome to the mystical side of me.
It was a couple of days after my last night on the paper route. I was still exhausted beyond belief, and I was angry. There was no particular reason, just that that kind of fatigue does scary things to my state of mind, which, you may recall, was the reason I had to quit that job. I was getting out of the shower that night and suddenly I saw inside myself. If I close my eyes I can still see it…
There was a pit, deep and dark and boiling. Smoke and steam filled the air. A beast rose up out of the pit; it was enormous and strong, with bulging muscles that reminded me of a bull. It was dark, reddish black like old blood, with horns and burning red eyes. I could smell the beast’s heat, feel its lust, and taste the blood it craved. I heard its heartbeat and its breath, felt my own heart and lungs matching it beat for beat, breath for breath. The beast was restrained by invisible chains that I felt rather than saw. It stood there, not fighting the chains, but waiting for me to set it free; free to destroy, to smash, to scream and cry and curse at God. I wasn’t afraid – I wanted to set it free. I felt its rage and lust and desire, its hate and anger. The heat and the blood filled my senses and I wanted to give myself to the beast, let it take me completely. For I knew this beast – this beast is who I am inside. As I stood there breathing the beast in, God began to speak to me. I heard Him and I saw Him through the misty red veil of the vision of my beast within. God asked me questions, He made me angry. He pushed me, exerting his authority. He kept me from leaving and I was so angry I wanted to punch Him, to hurt Him; but I couldn’t. He looked into my eyes, and in His own sad eyes I could see recognition of what He was seeing in me. He did not turn away; He held me in His gaze and He spoke. “This is not who you are; Becky, this is not you.” And then I saw my beast slowly sink back into the pit, until it was out of sight. But still I heard it muttering, whispering and coaxing and tempting from some dark corner of my heart, and I recognized its voice as one I have heard my whole life. I stood there hearing the voice, still filled with this vision of darkness, with the taste of violence and lust in my mouth; but the vision became veiled and my heart and my lungs began to beat in a different rhythm… a rhythm of life rather than death, with a glimmer of light rather than darkness.
The vision ended; I was once again standing in the bathroom. Then I was afraid. Afraid of how much I wanted the beast to be in control, afraid of the violence and lust that I knew was in my heart, afraid of how unafraid I had been.
But as I thought about it I realized that I had not set the beast free. God had intervened. At the moment when the beast completely filled my vision, God spoke to me and called me back to Himself. He reminded me of who He is and who I am. I am His child, I am not a slave to my sin nature. I do not belong to Satan, or even to myself, I belong to God. And He will keep me.