The thoughts below are from my journal. As they ran through my head, I was filled with a profound joy… Perhaps they are worth sharing.
I was thinking yesterday about my dad’s death. Grief is a strange thing. Daddy’s death does not affect my everyday life. I saw him only a few times each year, and because of his hearing, phone conversations were limited. But somehow his death left a hole; he’s not there where he’s always been. I sat the day of his funeral with my “thank God” list, and filled an entire two column page with things I thank God for, all concerning my dad. Memories of my childhood are comforting, and the visits with extended family at the funeral were wonderful. In the weeks that followed, my mind felt clouded, as if it had to shift somehow to compensate for this new hole in the world; but it was a good clean proper grief full of good memories.
Contrast all this with the grief of divorce these last few years. That clouded mind of grief lasted the better part of a year, and returned with regularity for another year. It would have been easier if he had died, at least then I could have remembered the good times with happiness and consolation. But with divorce, remembering the good times feels like betraying myself to the enemy. It’s like when the abuser of my childhood told a joke and I laughed… I cannot describe the emotions connected with that betrayal of myself; it hurt as much as his betrayal of me. Betrayal is a far harder grief than death.
As I contemplated these things in prayer, I had an amazing revelation.
Jesus, fully man, was betrayed by his closest friends. Then He was forsaken by His Father on the cross.
He was a man. Yes, fully God, but also fully Man, with all the emotions of a man.
He was betrayed by those He came to save, by those He loved. He was tortured. He was abandoned by His Father.
But Jesus knew there was a Purpose and a Plan that was greater than His betrayal and abandonment, and knowing that, He went through it willingly.
I also know there is a Purpose and a Plan, and it is bigger than what I see and feel right now. God the Father will accomplish His greater purpose in me, and it will ultimately be for His Glory and my good. Knowing and trusting that is what will get me through whatever I go through in this life, including betrayal and suffering.
Jesus trusted God His Father, submitted to His Plan, and so willingly suffered betrayal, torture, abandonment, and death. I am called to follow Him in His sufferings. I am called to trust Him, to trust His Plan, whatever it leads me through. Jesus knew the end goal was worth it – an eternity in Heaven with His bride, the church, and I know I am part of that. When I hang on to His Truth, I participate in His suffering, and I rejoice in His Glory.
Romans 5:1-5 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
II Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
1 Peter 4:12-13 Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.